An Open Letter to Britney Spears

Nov. 12, 2012

Hey Brit, 565432_10151269670924273_110359725_n

It’s me. How are you? Did you get that Starbucks gift card I sent you? I buried it at the bottom of the bag of Cheetos. (I thought that was cute.) Hope you put it to good use!

It’s been a while since we spoke, so first let me say: Mazel Tov on the engagement! You and Jason look really happy together and I’m sure little Sean Preston and Jayden James just love him. I trust you’ll let me know if you need any help with the wedding planning. I got your text but I don’t think that beef jerky and grits will satisfy everyone’s tastes.

Now, Britney. We have to talk. You know I’m a fan. You know we’ve been together through it all. From “…Baby One More Time” to “Sometimes,” I was there. When you performed “Satisfaction” into “Oops! I Did It Again” at the VMAs and stripped off your suit and shook your taught tuchus in those flesh colored pants, I was there. When you performed “Slave 4 U” the following year with the snake, I was there so much I memorized the dance. “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” to “Boys” to “Toxic” to “Do Somethin,’” we’ve gone through it all together.

A super HQ picture I took of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears at the Izod Center stop of her Femme Fatale tour. It’s amazing what you can do with an iPhone!
A super HQ picture I took of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears at the Izod Center stop of her Femme Fatale tour. It’s amazing what you can do with an iPhone!


In 2007, our relationship bended, but it never broke. I knew something was up when you canceled the second half of the Onyx Hotel Tour. (I know it was blamed on you breaking your knee on the set of the “Outrageous” video but I could tell that it just wasn’t like you.) I looked on as you married Kevin Federline. I watched as you had Sean Preston. And then Jayden James. I defended you when you almost dropped SP, telling my young friends to try walking in heels, holding a baby on the bumpy streets of Manhattan with all of those lights flashing in your face. (I wasn’t very popular, if you couldn’t figure that out.)

I never lost faith in you, Britney Jean. Even during the pink wig days. The British accent days. The Adnan days. The Sam Lufti days. The M+M Tour.

Which leads us to today. Today we’re on the other side of you being paid a cool $15 million to be a judge on The X Factor. Britney and reality shows. Boy, do I love both of those things.

But you’ve let me down, Brit.

I write to you this week because it was the first of X Factor’s live shows. For the past few weeks I’ve watched the audition rounds on and off. (God, do I hate auditions for music competitions. Get me to the Top 12 ASAP PUH-lease.) But I figured I’d wait until the live shows to truly gauge your performance (and in turn, where you’re at in your development as a human being).

Unfortunately, both aren’t coming along as well as I’d hoped.

You’re aloof, Britney. It’s like you’re not even in the room. After each performance you lean forward and give a critique that seems like it was written before the show and is never modified to reflect the performance you just saw. A contestant could slip and fall and crack their neck and lie onstage bleeding out with Mario Lopez and Khloe Kardashian looking around for instructions about what to do (Are those two BUFFOONS or what?) and we could still count on you to say, “Last week I was a little nervous, but today your performance really made me a fan,” and then sit back in your chair with a smile on your face like you just did God’s work.

You pronounced Ke$ha’s name KEE-sha. It’s KESH-a. You’ve worked with her for God’s sake, Britney. She says her name in the song you two have together! How can I defend that? I can only assume you don’t want to be doing what you’re doing anymore. (For my older readers who may think I temporarily fainted and smashed my head on the keyboard – Ke$ha is the name of an American pop singer who has already accumulated eight Top 10 hits and a number one album so that’s the state of America, if you were wondering.)

Your eyes are sad, Brit. And that makes me sad. I don’t believe you want to be there. I believe that you want to be home with your fiancé and kids away from it all. I think you want to retire soon, and – and I say this as a huge fan – I hope you do. You’re not you anymore. You’ve been through some shit and you’ve lost an interest in a world that chewed you up and spit you out; a world that built you up to unattainable goals and then turned their backs on you when it destroyed you. I get it. And I don’t blame you.

But, you’ve signed a contract. So we can at least expect you to be around until the season finale of The X Factor next year. So, let’s make the most of it!

Have fun! Be spontaneous! Loosen up! Let’s try not preparing what you’re going to say after each performance before the show even starts; just go with it.

I hope you trust that for as long as you’re in this business we call show, I’ll be your biggest supporter. But think of me, Brit, and the millions more like me who are waiting to see some spark or some excitement or some spontaneity or anything that has made you the Britney Spears we have come to know and love.

All my love,


P.S. WHAT are we going to do about Demi’s eyebrows?!